Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat