Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
the #horror is real!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
my dog when i have a friend over
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face