*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.