Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Bed should get ready for ME
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”