Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what