Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.