Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You Might Also Like
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it