The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
This forever.
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better