My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please