Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
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[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO