The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Just so funny
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”