Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.