He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.