her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Sell your car
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick