After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Godspeed, John Glenn
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together