40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.