“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
#CatsOnTwitter
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“I FIXED IT!”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Natty or not?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations