It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My background check bounced.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun