I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Spring of Deception
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.