Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*updates tinder bio*
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.