Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
You Might Also Like
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Oh yeah that’s it
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up