Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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work smarter, not harder
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
*weighs self after shaving
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.