Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
WHY would you be happy about this?
*gets down on one knee*
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked