[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
wtf management?!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”