“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.