The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
*has no idea what a book even is*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping