Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Breaking news:
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*