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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
#dnd #ttrpg
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: