Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind