impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
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My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends