I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.