how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
plant them where lol
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.