[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Employees must applaud the planets.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.