Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
pat pat
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants