Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
You Might Also Like
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
new shirt idea
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.