Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Smile they said.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.