I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
new career option?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.