Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.