there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
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Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow