Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.