ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
2022: I can fix it
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time