If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I am crying