If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class