SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
never ask a starfish for directions
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.