[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.