Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today πππ
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him: youβre not like most women
me: is it because Iβll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: Iβll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Turns out men donβt like being asked when their due date is either
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: hereβs the lyrics to βsame loveβ superimposed over a sunset!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If your spouseβs loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Stop telling your kid βWeβre leaving in 5 minutes.β They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
NAZI: Iβm a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Not all heroes wear capes.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding βfor your ageβ after βyou look greatβ
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
make your kidβs birthday party a special one theyβll be talking about in therapy for years
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.