At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.