I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.