so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave