in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
doing some research
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged