god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
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People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I needed a laugh this morning.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
TODAY
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.