Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
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Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
getting corrected
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water