[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
what’s the point then??
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.