[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.